There is a lot of things happening around here! Jesse and I went out-of-town together last Wednesday through Saturday. This was the same week that our new chicks, and ducks came to the farm. Ten inches of rain, muddy dog prints on the wood floor, possible flooding of my bedroom and worrying about where all this water was going to go was more than I could handle the last week. Also this is a particularly hard time for me because of the whole "my therapist is trying to kill me thing" with the having to sit down and really look at what I have committed myself to and my "pace of life." Incidentally, the phrase "pace of life" in now considered a cuss word in my book, and anyone who knows me knows how careful I am to never use cuss words--said no one about me ever. Check out this new shirt my friend Stacy made for me:
I love this shirt. It feels true of my feelings right now. Sitting, thinking, and waiting for a problem or situation to sort its self out the way God wants it sorted out is way harder than just springing in to action and fixing something yourself. All that to say, Jesus has not revealed to me what my "pace of life" looks like yet. Not knowing this makes me a little, shall we say, on edge. In the midst of all this, Jesse and I went out-of-town. I didn't feel like going anywhere, but we went.
My mom came in to help with the kids. Y'all there are no words. When I say she stepped up and made it happen, I mean it. I was literally stumbling out-of-town. Normally I would have flow charts, important numbers, directions, everything on lock. Well I left her with 11 chicks, 2 ducks, 3 dogs (2 of which are puppies), 3 goats, a teenager and a pre-teen. I basically said, "Here is what I think is happening, just keep everything alive, love you, bye!" I'm not sure if I told the world yet but my mom is super human. She is beast when it comes to getting stuff done. For years we have called her the energizer bunny. She never complains, she never says no, she just does it. I have learned all my grit from her. That is the only reason I could go out of town, because I knew she would just make it happen.
Having a mom like that is awesome. It is also a really tough act to follow. Her and I have talked for years about how I feel like I don't live up to her. I don't work full-time, and keep house, and make dinner and do all the kid things like she did. That is probably where a lot of my "housewife" issues come from. Again, I get into trouble when I look to someone else to see if I am enough or doing enough. Not from her making me feel bad, but just knowing what this woman has done in her lifetime. When I say she just made stuff happen, I mean it. She just did it. If there was something I wanted to do, she made sure I did it. I don't know how. It is her magic.
She reads my blog, of course, because I am her kid and she has too. She knows I have been struggling with my schedule and my "pace of life"--there is that cuss word again. We talked about it when she was here. It is hard to talk to her about "pace of life" because her "pace of life" is something I cannot adopt for my life. I just mean that when I tell her things like, "I have to not do so much," I think she must think, "You pansy, do you know what I have had to deal with in my life, do you know how much I had to do in one day just so our family would stay afloat?" You know what they say when you assume something--you make an ass out of u and me. In reality when we talked about my "pace of life" she told me that she didn't think I was being realistic about my cleaning schedule. In my mind I heard what she said but I thought "Well you kept a clean house and worked full-time so why can I not keep a clean house. You must think I can't do it because I am not good enough." I didn't say that of course but, I thought it. So then this morning I found this on my desk:
I looked at this and had to sit down. This super mom, this woman I can't live up to, REVISED MY CLEANING SCHEDULE. She took stuff off, and moved stuff around. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not cleaning my house like this because God wants me to. I am killing myself cleaning because I am trying to impress my mom. I know this is true because when I saw that she thinks I am doing "enough" it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Hear me on this. I PUT THAT WEIGHT THERE, NOT MY MOM. I decided that I was going to live up to a fake standard I had set in my mind. No one, mainly NOT God, told me to do this to myself. Jesus used this to set me free of another thing I was trying to live up to. Jesus, thank you. I love you so much. Thank you for always telling me the truth about things because where there is YOUR TRUTH there is freedom. My fake truth brings bondage.
This is my weakness. To be enough, to do enough to live up to a standard becomes my god. This example is living up to my perception of my mom. There are so many others and there will be so many more. God is faithful to set me free of these. He is the only reason I even know I am killing myself to live up to fake standards. He shows me. I have to respond. Living my life trying to "be enough" is where this stupid schedule and "pace of life" came from. Well, no more. My prayer for myself is as follows:
Jesus, I can't look to anyone else but you when I am looking for an example to live by. Lord you are the one who says I am enough. You say that I am everything I need to be because I believe in you. Jesus continue to reveal to me the places where I have set up standards to make myself feel like I am enough. Lord teach me that my "enough-ness" comes from you alone. Help me remember that there is nothing I can do to impress you. You only ask that I humble myself and follow you. Lord help me to stop trying to impress humans. Help me point them to You and not to me. To your Name be all the glory, not to me. Help me remember what Pastor Doug said this weekend, "You get 100% of the Glory Jesus, I have to practice throwing my trophies at your feet."
Mom, I can't express to you how much I love you. Mainly because you don't like that emotional stuff. I love more than you can ever know. I learn everyday how lucky I am that God gave me a mom like you. God knew I would have to learn grit and faithfulness and how to finish strong. Thank you for bailing me out over and over, not from real jail but from trouble I got myself into. Mom, I want to stop competing with you and start being thankful for you. I want to stop trying to live up to you and fill your shoes and just be thankful for how God made you, and be thankful for how God made me. I am so thankful God gave me you. I love you.